How to Ruin a Dog in 12 Easy Steps

With my time spent owning dogs, I've come up with the perfect owner's manual entitled:

How NOT to Raise Your Dog.

Despite my overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame, I will now relate the horrible tale of the one and only dog I've ever had so you can learn from my mistakes.
Do whatever is closest to opposite for each step and you should turn out fine.

1. Be in 5th grade. Be completely obsessed about getting a dog. Make sure that the only thing you think, talk about, and dream about is getting a dog. Nag your parents relentlessly until they submit. Success in this step will ensure that it will be easy to complete the following steps.

2. Don't do any research. Don't look at breeds, don't read about training techniques, and certainly don't go meet any dogs to see what traits you're interested in.

3. As soon as you hear of a litter of accidental puppies in your area, go meet the puppies when they're a week old and haven't developed any personality traits yet. Also, while you're there, get really attached to a specific color of puppy. (It's important that this litter was unexpected by the "breeder" because that will ensure that they have the largest possible chance of not being well cared for. For example: being raised in the garage rather than a family room. Another good sign to look for is that the breeder has no idea what mix the puppies are. Responsibility at work!)

4. Take your puppy home when she's four weeks old. This won't cause any developmental retardations or issues later in life. Things like bite inhibition aren't important anyway. She probably doesn't even know she's a dog!

5. Whenever the puppy whines at night, make sure you go coddle it for hours. Eventually move from your bed to sleeping on the floor so you can always be with the puppy.

6. When you start losing too much sleep from sharing a bed with a puppy, put her in the cold downstairs bathroom. This won't shock her, going from human contact 24/7 to being alone for over 8 hours at a time. Cover the entire floor with newspapers, thereby relieving yourself from any blame for potty "accidents" and forgoing the need for any actual house breaking. (This step is important because it will seal your dog's fate of living outside for the rest of her life.)

7. When your family gets angry about not being able to use the bathroom, move the dog outside. At this point, note that the strange mix of breeds your mutt is must've included St. Bernard or something, because she's about 70 pounds already, and still growing!
Good thing you did your homework!

(Step 7 1/2 - Get her spayed at some point during this period. Vaccinations too. This will be the only responsible thing you'll do for her whole life!)

8. Move the dog, since she's far outgrown her puppy-kennel, onto a running lead strung between two trees. Also make sure that she will have access to your mom's flower beds for convenient digging sites. Since you haven't taught her any proper chew-preferences and probably haven't given her any toys, boredom will set in. This boredom will lead to problem digging everywhere in her reach (which your parents will love, especially when the dog uproots your mom's prized peony for the umpteenth time). This boredom will also force her poor canine mind to command her to chew on trees for entertainment. That's normal!

9. When you get home from school and she is jumping and getting her huge muddy paws all over you, don't make her sit and be calm before you let her off her lead. Unclip her quick and run away before she gets you again, thus teaching her it's okay to behave like an imbecile. (Also, when it's time for her to come back, yell at her and run after her. If you ever catch her, immediately put her back on the runner. This series of steps will ensure that she learns never to come when called.)

10. Once all these behaviors have been set, around 6-8 months, try to start training her. TRY being the key word here. At this point, from being alone for so long, she will have developed no human bonds, therefore she won't consider praise and petting as reinforcement during training session. You will have to use food rewards, and find out that she is completely driven by food. So much so that, since you taught her it was okay, she will be only too happy to mug you for treats and kibble alike. A great trait for a 90 pound dog.

11. You can try other types of training, but at this point, since you're 11 years old, there's not much use. You've pretty much ruined the dog. You're scared of her. You don't have a relationship with her. (And years to come, when you try to write down all the things you did wrong, you won't remember half the time you spent with her.)

12. Fib on the online classifieds, using weasel-words like "enthusiastic", "food-oriented", and "energetic" to con a young couple into buying her. (Just for shiggles, check the same classifieds a week later and find her for sale again, with the ad being the same as yours verbatim.)

Stuck Between a Sock and a Cold Place

Did you know, women get colder faster than men do because, apparently, our only purpose in life is to be a baby oven? All our body heat goes to our core, to protect an organ that won't be used more than two or three times in our lives, if that, leaving our hands and feet freezing.

A limiting factor to your warmth, is budget. If, for example, you are a poor college student and are trying to save money because you have a supernatural addiction to chocolate and coffee, it is natural to turn the thermostat down. (Chocolate is very important.) Unfortunately, being poor causes the house to hover at less than 60 degrees Fahrenheit. (Funny story though, I used to hate how cold my house was when I still lived with my parents. But when I went back for Thanksgiving this year, I went into a state of shock because it was so hot. Yay for acclimating to frigid conditions!)

Combatting the bone-chilling temperatures that accompany winter in the Pacific Northwest, one has many options, whether you have a uterus or not. Here are some plausible options:

You can kill two birds with one stone by brewing up a molten-hot mug of hot cocoa. Hold on to this mug until you're almost certain your palms have melted, then chug the cocoa. Repeat until you fall into a sugar coma and forget about being cold.

Curl up and pile blankets on yourself. Bribe your roommates to put on a movie for you, then promptly fall asleep. Wake up and realize your hungry, but know that the 10 second stroll to the kitchen isn't worth losing the body heat. Go back to sleep.

Another option is learning the art of layering. If you weren't fortunate enough to be born into a geographical region that only occasionally goes above freezing in the winter, then I will learn you the ways henceforth.

You will need the following: undergarments (optional), a long-sleeved shirt, fleece pull-over sweatshirt, cotton hoodie, fleece pants, wool socks, a scarf, slippers, and a warm beanie.
1. When you get back from classes, or work, or whatever you've been forced to squander your day on, place all the aforementioned items in your bathroom.
2. Take a steaming hot shower and dry yourself as quickly as humanly possible.
3. Undergarment yourself, quickly jump into your fleece pants, and pull on the base layer shirt. Doing these two primary layers first will result in minimal heat loss. Tuck your shirt into your pants. If you're one of those rich kids who own a hairdryer, this is the appropriate time to use it.
4. Then put on the wool socks. Now you have the option of either tucking the socks into your pants, or tucking your pants into your socks. If you're 100% sure that you will not see another human being for the rest of the day, go with the latter option.
5. Put on the beanie. If you're a poor kid without a hair dryer, omit this step until your hair is dry.
6. Put on the fleece pullover, the scarf, then the cotton hoodie. Make sure the hood is up and pull the strings to make sure not heat can escape from your head.
7. Then put on your slippers and huddle with your roommates.

Remarkably, this exact process, minus step seven, is how I get dressed for bed now too.
Just as remarkable: as soon as you complete the process, you almost always have to pee.

After I drew this, I realized that my inspiration came from A Christmas Story...
If you can't put your arms down, you're doing it right!

NyQuil Crazy Party Fun Night

As per usual for this time of the year, a multitude of bacterial cells have commandeered my body and are running rampant causing a full on illness attack. Compounding this horrendous incident is that, unfortunately, last night, the love of my life ran out on me.
His name is NyQuil.
And I miss him.

But it's cool, because today I went to Safeway to get some more.

Little did I expect, as a serious college student with no real history of doing anything illegal, to get carded for so simple a purchase as a box of NyQuil Cold & Flu Nighttime Relief Liquicaps® and a pack of minty gum.

Not only did I get carded, but so did my roommate who was with me, who had to go out to the car to get her ID.

What the hell!?!

First off, to begin the transaction, the check-out lady started yelling at me for getting out my OSU ID instead of my driver's license.
To that I say:
JESUS CHRIST WOMAN! Hold onto your brassiere! I have more than one form of identification. Sorry I'm not perfect, but obviously neither are you because you're 60 and still working at a shitty grocery store chain.
And take off that pink cowboy hat. You look ridiculous.

What, does Safeway really think I'm going to try to get high off of it? I know more than a dozen people who would be more than willing and able to supply some herb for that sort of stuff. And it would definitely be a healthier alternative in any case. Or maybe the issue is getting "drunk"? Maybe you should check my handbag because, much like my homie Ke$ha, I keep a water bottle full of whiskey in there.

Obviously I enjoy looking shitty and causing suspicion when I go out to get my drugs, wearing sweatpants and glasses. I'm not really sick, you can tell because of the coughing and constant sniffling. I'm really a junky! A junky who can afford glasses, leather boots, and to keep French-tipping her nails, but can't afford real drugs.
Gotcha!

Yeah, lady at Safeway with the pink cowboy hat, thank God you're so damn clever. You totally busted me. I was planning on having a crazy Sunday night getting high off of NyQuil starting at 7:30 pm. Since you carded me and wasted my time, I decided against it and will only use this medication for good! And that took a lot of brains on your part because anyone who knows me can tell you, I'm a hardcore rager!

But in all seriousness, you have to card my roommate too? We are college students, we aren't that dumb as to have the person we're illegally buying controlled substances for standing next to us in line. For reals. Riddle me this, if a mother is buying NyQuil for her teenage son or daughter there, do you card him or her? What if the underage person waited in the car? If you need to hassle me and my roomie this much, why not go all out? Maybe you should go check everyone in line. Or in the store for that matter. Heaven forbid! This policy really doesn't make any sense.

So...

Dear Safeway,
Stop being a fucking a-hole and let me have my meds already.
Sincerely,
Kaya