Saturday, December 25, 2010

Happy Festivus!

Christmas time in my house has probably always been a little off. I haven't noticed the full extent of our annual oddness until this year. Here are a few holiday posts to brighten up your Christmas!

★ First of all... How I spent my day during our annual Solstice Party. 

Around 9:00 am (much too early for a college student on vacation) I got up and ready to go skiing. Immediately I noted something was wrong. 

I woke up with this weird coppery taste in my mouth. I sat down for about ten minutes and stared at a wall before telling my dad it would probably be a terrible idea if I went skiing. 
Needless to say, I was right.  

My parents decided it would be a good idea if I wasn't sick around the party guests, so I was shut away in their bedroom like that creepy monster thing from The Goonies. Their room is about 40 degrees below zero, so I was buried under like the 12 Days of Blankets. 

I was weighted down with a sheet, an orange alpaca blanket, a cheap fleece one, a light comforter, a woolen Pendleton one, my OSU fleece one, and my parent's super thick bed duvet, just to name a few. I was quite toasty, but I was basically paralyzed from a combination of my utter weakness and about 2,000 pounds of blankets. 

I probably slept for about 22 hours that day. I bonded with that Tempur-Pedic mattress like no person ever has before. 
I actually lost count of how many times I did the technicolor yawn, but I think I finished out somewhere around seven. 
I also lost ten pounds! 

Lots of my friends were sick around then too and Facebook was a-flutter with "I'm sick" status updates. 
They were all complaining about having body aches and congestion. 
Those pussies. 
I responded, "Yeah, well I barfed seven times! I win!"

They agreed,
I totally won.

★ A list of Christmas songs my dad has ruined for me forever by altering the lyrics. 

Generally he's "enhanced" (his word choice) them by interjecting profanities or turning a section of a holiday song into a coital reference. I almost always remember these changed lyrics rather than the original innocent ones, which is a very bad thing.
(I've italicized the changed lyrics for your viewing pleasure.)

Frosty the Snowman 
  • "Humpity hump hump, humpity hump hump. Look at that Frosty go!"

  • "Giddyup Jingle horse, pick up your goddamn feet. Carry us around the block..."
  • "And crap! You'll take a leak..."

Walking in a Winter Wonderland (x3)
  • "Walking in a woman's underwear."
  • "In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is partially brown. He'll say, 'Are you married?' We'll say, 'None of your goddamn business, man'...."
  • "Later on, we'll perspire. As we *hummina hummina hummina* by the fire."

The Little Drummer Boy
  • "Pa rum pa pum pum pum, rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum... in my bum..."
The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
  • "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nosing at your nip."

The Holiday Season / Happy Holidays
  • "It's the buns up and squealin'."
Snow (from White Christmas)
  • "I want to wash my face, my hair, and baunch in snow..."

Thanks Dad. 

★ And finally there's the annual Christmas Tree Fiasco. 

Getting our tree is like trying to solve a giant jigsaw puzzle. But you're smaller than all of the puzzle pieces, and the puzzle hurts people, and has tree sap all over it. So in reality, a more apt comparison might be a bad acid trip.
The red X signifies where we like to put the tree every year. The colored boxes are couches, desks, and other obstacles. 

We believe in doing everything as extreme as possible. Our tree probably averages about 15 feet every year. 
Unfortunately, due to our desired location of the tree, there is no simple way to get a coniferous holiday decoration that large into our house. Or probably any house for that matter. Usually it involves a lot of alcohol, yelling, falling, cursing, and broken things.  Our flight path changes from year to year...
I believe we broke most the branches off of one side of the tree in '08.
'09 was a real tragic year, with not only two ornaments being broken, 
but we nearly had an ER visit. 

This year, however, I think we finally have figured it out. Up and over.
(Now, instead of sketchy drawings, you will be allowed to view my second-class photography skills!)
Our house, preparing to ingest the tree through the second-floor balcony door. 

Up she goes...

And into the house...

Kay, now we're in the house, looking up as the tree comes over the railing. 
Butt first. 
Right at my face. 
I thought this was going to be the last thing I saw before I died. 

Under half an hour from the tree harvest to having it perfectly set up in the house. 

And that's how it's done, biozztches! 

Happy Holidays!

1 comment:

  1. And there was none to only a tiny bit of yelling!