His name is NyQuil.
And I miss him.
But it's cool, because today I went to Safeway to get some more.
Little did I expect, as a serious college student with no real history of doing anything illegal, to get carded for so simple a purchase as a box of NyQuil Cold & Flu Nighttime Relief Liquicaps® and a pack of minty gum.
Not only did I get carded, but so did my roommate who was with me, who had to go out to the car to get her ID.
What the hell!?!
First off, to begin the transaction, the check-out lady started yelling at me for getting out my OSU ID instead of my driver's license.
To that I say:
JESUS CHRIST WOMAN! Hold onto your brassiere! I have more than one form of identification. Sorry I'm not perfect, but obviously neither are you because you're 60 and still working at a shitty grocery store chain.
And take off that pink cowboy hat. You look ridiculous.
What, does Safeway really think I'm going to try to get high off of it? I know more than a dozen people who would be more than willing and able to supply some herb for that sort of stuff. And it would definitely be a healthier alternative in any case. Or maybe the issue is getting "drunk"? Maybe you should check my handbag because, much like my homie Ke$ha, I keep a water bottle full of whiskey in there.
Obviously I enjoy looking shitty and causing suspicion when I go out to get my drugs, wearing sweatpants and glasses. I'm not really sick, you can tell because of the coughing and constant sniffling. I'm really a junky! A junky who can afford glasses, leather boots, and to keep French-tipping her nails, but can't afford real drugs.
Yeah, lady at Safeway with the pink cowboy hat, thank God you're so damn clever. You totally busted me. I was planning on having a crazy Sunday night getting high off of NyQuil starting at 7:30 pm. Since you carded me and wasted my time, I decided against it and will only use this medication for good! And that took a lot of brains on your part because anyone who knows me can tell you, I'm a hardcore rager!
But in all seriousness, you have to card my roommate too? We are college students, we aren't that dumb as to have the person we're illegally buying controlled substances for standing next to us in line. For reals. Riddle me this, if a mother is buying NyQuil for her teenage son or daughter there, do you card him or her? What if the underage person waited in the car? If you need to hassle me and my roomie this much, why not go all out? Maybe you should go check everyone in line. Or in the store for that matter. Heaven forbid! This policy really doesn't make any sense.
Stop being a fucking a-hole and let me have my meds already.