Friday, December 2, 2011

Stuck Between a Sock and a Cold Place

Did you know, women get colder faster than men do because, apparently, our only purpose in life is to be a baby oven? All our body heat goes to our core, to protect an organ that won't be used more than two or three times in our lives, if that, leaving our hands and feet freezing.

A limiting factor to your warmth, is budget. If, for example, you are a poor college student and are trying to save money because you have a supernatural addiction to chocolate and coffee, it is natural to turn the thermostat down. (Chocolate is very important.) Unfortunately, being poor causes the house to hover at less than 60 degrees Fahrenheit. (Funny story though, I used to hate how cold my house was when I still lived with my parents. But when I went back for Thanksgiving this year, I went into a state of shock because it was so hot. Yay for acclimating to frigid conditions!)

Combatting the bone-chilling temperatures that accompany winter in the Pacific Northwest, one has many options, whether you have a uterus or not. Here are some plausible options:

You can kill two birds with one stone by brewing up a molten-hot mug of hot cocoa. Hold on to this mug until you're almost certain your palms have melted, then chug the cocoa. Repeat until you fall into a sugar coma and forget about being cold.

Curl up and pile blankets on yourself. Bribe your roommates to put on a movie for you, then promptly fall asleep. Wake up and realize your hungry, but know that the 10 second stroll to the kitchen isn't worth losing the body heat. Go back to sleep.

Another option is learning the art of layering. If you weren't fortunate enough to be born into a geographical region that only occasionally goes above freezing in the winter, then I will learn you the ways henceforth.

You will need the following: undergarments (optional), a long-sleeved shirt, fleece pull-over sweatshirt, cotton hoodie, fleece pants, wool socks, a scarf, slippers, and a warm beanie.
1. When you get back from classes, or work, or whatever you've been forced to squander your day on, place all the aforementioned items in your bathroom.
2. Take a steaming hot shower and dry yourself as quickly as humanly possible.
3. Undergarment yourself, quickly jump into your fleece pants, and pull on the base layer shirt. Doing these two primary layers first will result in minimal heat loss. Tuck your shirt into your pants. If you're one of those rich kids who own a hairdryer, this is the appropriate time to use it.
4. Then put on the wool socks. Now you have the option of either tucking the socks into your pants, or tucking your pants into your socks. If you're 100% sure that you will not see another human being for the rest of the day, go with the latter option.
5. Put on the beanie. If you're a poor kid without a hair dryer, omit this step until your hair is dry.
6. Put on the fleece pullover, the scarf, then the cotton hoodie. Make sure the hood is up and pull the strings to make sure not heat can escape from your head.
7. Then put on your slippers and huddle with your roommates.

Remarkably, this exact process, minus step seven, is how I get dressed for bed now too.
Just as remarkable: as soon as you complete the process, you almost always have to pee.

After I drew this, I realized that my inspiration came from A Christmas Story...
If you can't put your arms down, you're doing it right!

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